Let’s Make Tiny Vaginas, Each One Beautiful & Unique

And make our own edible version of Judy Chicago’s Dinner Party!
There has been a long and harried internal debate raging in my brain for days over that title. I have avoided making this post, worried that I will offend people by using the anatomically correct word for part of the female anatomy on a website about gardening. NO! The Horror! Because flowers and gardens and pollination and the like has nothing to do with sex at all.
I asked myself questions like, “Do I pull an Oprah and use the hideous colloquialism “vajay-jays” for those who think the word vagina is inappropriate?”
Both penis and vagina within the span of a month? What next, Gayla? What horrible word will you assault us with next?
Monsanto.
So then I thought,” Really, if I’m going to use appropriate anatomical terms I should have said “labias” or “vulva”, right?” I eventually decided against it because I figure some will find those words more offensive than vaginas and 70’s era feminist art.
Now that I’ve got that out of the way, let’s talk about making what are really just oven dried plums.

As soon as tomatoes come into season I begin making batches of oven dried tomatoes. I’d love to make real sun-dried tomatoes and skip the energy consumption, however the climate here is far too humid (and this season is especially too wet) to properly dry tomatoes the natural way. If you have never made oven-dried tomatoes you must do it. They are so much better than store bought sun-dried tomatoes which are often laden with sulphite preservatives. My recipe for making them is in my next book so I can’t repeat it here.
My first tomato batch of the season fell a bit short of filling up the oven so I looked around to see if there was anything else on hand that could benefit from an afternoon in the oven. Plums! Yes, dried plums are really just prunes, and while I can’t remember the last time I ate a prune (if ever), I am absolutely certain these are a whole lot better.
I used Italian purple plums but I’m sure just about any will work.
To make them simply turn your oven to the lowest heat and line a baking sheet with a silpat or parchment paper (this step is important since they drip sugars and can stick).
Cut the plums in half and remove the pit.
Sprinkle or coat the plums with sugar if you like. This is not necessary if you want to keep it low-sugar since the heating process concentrates the plums’ own natural sugars.

Lay each half, cut side up on the baking sheet.
Set in the oven for several hours. Drying time depends on the wetness/ripeness of the plums you use so check back after the first 2 hours to determine the drying rate and go from there.
Once cool, store the dried plums in freezer bags or reusable freezer safe containers.
Save a few for eating right away but try not to eat too many at once. I think you know why.

September 10th, 2009 at 10:43 am
Haha, I absolutely love it!
September 10th, 2009 at 10:46 am
The title cracked me up. And I love plums, so I’m required to try this I believe.
September 10th, 2009 at 11:09 am
Vaginas and plums in one article - v daring. Having said that I’m not sure plums have the same alternate meaning in Canada…
Talking of translation issues - what is a silpat? Don’t think they exist in the UK.
September 10th, 2009 at 11:17 am
Dawn: I was so fixated on finding a word that I completely forgot about that. yes, I know what you are saying. Oh the controversy!
A silpat is a non-stick baking mat. You can see one in action underneath the plums in the above photos.
September 10th, 2009 at 11:41 am
Hahahah I love it.
September 10th, 2009 at 11:44 am
that’s some hilarity I think David Cross would approve of. Thanks for the laugh (and the useful idea!)
September 10th, 2009 at 12:02 pm
I have not yet read this post. This is because when I read the title, I spit tea all over myself.
I shall now go clean up. And then maybe I’ll read the rest of this.
After I finish the rest of my tea.
K.
September 10th, 2009 at 12:43 pm
Don’t ever change! I love this title and thanks for the plum recipe.
September 10th, 2009 at 12:43 pm
Ciao Gayla-
Italian prune plums are perfect for this because of their very low water content. I’ve tried using other varieties but they end up very brittle and hard because they’re not as fleshy. They also take longer to dry completely. I like using the Italian plums for baking for the same reason. They don’t waterlog a pastry.
September 10th, 2009 at 1:16 pm
How long will these keep in the airtight container?
September 10th, 2009 at 1:23 pm
Oh you make me laugh Gayla! Seriously! Thank you!
And on a related note, I need to find out how to properly make sundried tomatoes in the oven. It’s got to be in an old post. I will find it, yes I will.
September 10th, 2009 at 2:04 pm
why not eat too many right away? because we might go poopie?
sorry, but that was funny…
September 10th, 2009 at 3:48 pm
The title is perfect, Gayla.
I just purchased a large amount of plums and will have to oven-dry some tomorrow.
September 10th, 2009 at 5:57 pm
I agree! Where would the censoring stop? I love your blog because you are real.
September 10th, 2009 at 7:47 pm
No criticism from me, but I would pay good money to see your analytics reports about the search terms people used before clicking on this post…
September 10th, 2009 at 8:32 pm
cheers and kudos to you for this post… I love dried plums!
September 10th, 2009 at 9:25 pm
Yummy! And as for offending:penis and vagina? Not offensive. Monsanto, on the other hand…
September 10th, 2009 at 10:38 pm
“What word shall I assault you with next? Monsanto.”
You are always open and brilliant, Gayla. And I second Fern’s comment. ;)
September 10th, 2009 at 11:02 pm
Linda: I haven’t posted about making oven-dried tomatoes on the site — it is in my next book (out in Feb 2010).
Bay: Mine have been on the counter inside an airtight glass container for 2 weeks running and they’re still good. Will last ages in the freezer.
Sorellina: I figured the Italian purples would work best… in my mind I imagine it’s the difference between using plum tomatoes versus wet slicing tomatoes for oven-drying. Some people do use the wet varieties but I prefer the results from a drier plum type.
September 10th, 2009 at 11:46 pm
Monsanto announced that it was experiencing a 18 percent revenue loss today. They lost control of the exclusive rights for Roundup and the generic products are much cheaper than the brand name. So sad
September 11th, 2009 at 1:40 am
mmm… vagina plums…
September 11th, 2009 at 3:18 am
I’m not going to share what I was googling when this came up… But oven drying would be good to do with my last batch of tomatoes.
September 11th, 2009 at 2:43 pm
i love your articles. humor and great info. need more websites like yours
September 11th, 2009 at 4:13 pm
Thanks for using an anatomically correct word, rather than Vajay-jay, or my personal favorite euphemism, “Wishie”.
It would have diminished the plums, somehow.
September 11th, 2009 at 4:30 pm
Great post title, great idea, great blog! Thank you for giving it to us straight but without a straight face.
September 11th, 2009 at 4:55 pm
Carolyn: I have never heard of “wishie.”
September 12th, 2009 at 6:47 am
Hi Gayla, I read this post yesterday and thought it was great and witty and fun. Last night I told my husband about it (he’s a fan of your work too) and somehow it became even more amusing, here’s what we’ve decided: we love you, don’t ever change.
September 12th, 2009 at 3:15 pm
I think this is wonderful.
I love how sensual food is, and how it reminds me of how connected we are to what we eat.
You might enjoy a book by Inga Muscio - it’s very frank and refreshing and does wonders for any squeamishness about our beautiful body parts :)
September 13th, 2009 at 12:10 am
was searching for an accessory company called FluffCo but came to your site instead. “Gardening…huh?” thought me — the girl with the “black thumb.” I wasn’t overly enthused. But it was a pretty site with alluring words, and so i clicked once, then again, finally arriving at the vagina post. I immediately keyed into your candor and appreciate it. Twas a click of fate.
September 16th, 2009 at 7:35 pm
wouldn’t they be vulvas? vaginas are internal organs aka birth canals.
September 16th, 2009 at 7:49 pm
ROFLMAO.
Funny thing is that I saw the pic before I read the title and felt bad that I had a dirty mind.
September 16th, 2009 at 8:04 pm
ET: I believe I made that point in paragraph 6.
September 17th, 2009 at 4:55 pm
Vagina, penis, and vulva- OH MY!
You are one funny lady. Glad to have found you.
September 18th, 2009 at 3:58 am
Thank you for the title. I love the title and the article. Please continue not to censor.
September 18th, 2009 at 4:02 am
Thank you for the title. I love the title and the article. Please continue not to censor yourself!
September 20th, 2009 at 6:07 am
I am trying to catch up on all my blogs that I love so dearly. That title definitely got me to stop at this post. Hilarious!
September 20th, 2009 at 11:35 am
Gayla,
Are you storing them in the freezer after drying or in the cabinet? I’m going to do this AND oven dried tomatos when my Dad comes to visit next week. He’ll have a blast doing this along w/ canning tomatoes and making relish. He loves canning and used to make watermelon pickle when I was a kid. :-)
September 20th, 2009 at 11:58 am
Sophia: After drying I keep some out for use right away and store the rest in the freezer for future use.
September 21st, 2009 at 6:15 am
I love it! Coochie Plums!
The photo is actually very lovely. I don’t really like plums, so the pic tricked me into reading about something I normally would have skipped.
I too recommend the book by Inga Muscio, the book whose title I shall not name :-)
September 21st, 2009 at 7:04 pm
Again, you’ve made me smile!
September 21st, 2009 at 11:02 pm
Repent that dirty mind! There’s a bible verse that prohibits this. Corinthians? Galacians?
Here…1st Torontonians 3:18–”Thou shalt not call the name of the fruit of the vine by the name of the female sex organ and holy birth canal”
Hope Pope Joe Ratz doesn’t read these forums.
September 21st, 2009 at 11:02 pm
Repent that dirty mind! There’s a bible verse that prohibits this. Corinthians? Galacians?
Here…1st Torontonians 3:18–”Thou shalt not call the name of the fruit of the vine by the name of the female sex organ and holy birth canal”
Hope Pope Joe Ratz doesn’t read these forums.
September 24th, 2009 at 4:07 pm
OMG gayla you are awesome! LOL loved this post.
September 25th, 2009 at 11:14 am
Love It… Love the title and love the concept and love the site!!! LOVE ITTTTT!!!! Holy Birth Canal…! HAAAHAAA
October 9th, 2009 at 5:33 am
This is Awesome!!! Excellent word choice, great photos. Thanks.
October 9th, 2009 at 2:03 pm
I love this and your blog. And I hate the word vah-jay-jay. And hoo-hoo. Thanks for using the proper.