I was going to title this “Stupid Evil Dumbass Bastards at the Gate,”(SEDBAGs for short) in honor of the Cucumber Killers next door who have taken to hacking off parts of my tomato plants with a vengeance if they deign to stray from their caged/staked confines for even a brief period of time, but then I thought that I might take a radical approach to my garden journal and actually write about something positive for a change. Though I do GREATLY appreciate those who are here with me and my cucumbers in sympathy – as those old codgers Bartles and James used to say, we thank you for your support.

So then this was going to be called “An Ode to Heirlooms,” but quite frankly, I’m a little bitter about the whole tomato thing in general. The incessant rain early in the season got everything off to a damp and fungal start, and it hasn’t warmed up much since then, so diseases abound in my garden. There are your usual bacterial speck and blight and yellowing leaves and odd mottled leaves and some weird dying-from-the-top disease, and then there’s something that I’m just referring to as the “Black Death,” because the leaves and branches just turn gray and black and then wither and die. Not a pretty sight. Ah, but there I go being negative again. No, I must resist! Why don’t I just rhapsodize about the good stuff for a while…and then I can continue with the ranting, yes?

Now then, why the focus on Tigerella? Well, because in this Arctic summer, it’s the only tomato that has been setting fruit like a champ…..tomatoes that are actually ripening, by golly! Tigerella is also known as Mr. Stripey, which is in a way a cuter name but also leads to confusion, because there’s also a beefsteak Mr. Stripey, bicolored, which is supposed to be quite tasty, but it would be kind of annoying to grow one when you’re expecting the other. Tigerella is about the size of a ping-pong ball and has red and yellow stripes. Not only is it pretty, prolific, and an early ripener…but it tastes pretty damn good to boot! What more could a tomato-lover ask for? All I know is that next year, my slogan(s) will be along the lines of Tigerella For All My Friends! A Tigerella in Every Garden! Tigerella Lovers of the World, Unite! You get the picture.

My next fruit set winner, in my yard at least, is Aunt Ruby’s German Green, or ARGG for short (and I like to say that in a pirate’s brogue). I only got one tomato from this variety last year, and it was quite tasty. I also almost forgot to pick it, as it was a lone green tomato in a sea of green tomatoes, until one day I was trying to figure out which tomatoes went to which plants, and realized oh shit, that’s the green-when-ripe tomato! Luckily, it was perfectly ripe. Whew. Unfortunately, ARGG has been hit with the Black Plague so I’ve trimmed it to the point that it seems poodle-esque. Bare on the bottom, fluffy on top. And they’re taking their sweet time in ripening, too. How does one tell when some of these odd varieties are ripe? Trial and error, basically, but they do turn a slightly different color, and ARGG, for example, will get a pink blush on the blossom end in most cases. Another good way to tell with most of these tomatoes is by feeling them up, so to speak. When there’s a bit of give, they’re probably ripe.

In my satellite location in the neighbor’s yard, the plants are going crazy, with German Head far and away having the most tomatoes. Or should I say, the Faux German Head. Here’s where the bitterness starts to creep in. German Head was by far the winner at last year’s 1st Annual Tomato-Tasting Extravaganza that our little group had here in Chicago. So of course I grew a LOT of these from seed……and apparently there was some kind of mix-up in seeds, because all of my GHs are churning out these heart-shaped tomatoes. GH is not a heart-shaped tomato. I can only hope that the Faux GH tastes good, because there are a LOT of them on all of the plants, which are monster-sized, branches spreading many feet in every direction, much like an octopus. I also hope that they don’t reach into the house and strangle me in my sleep one of these days.

As for everything else, the Cherokee Purples are finally getting a hint of color, and the Moldovan Greens have a bit of give and have turned a darker green. Everything else is still chartreuse, lime, seafoam, whatever shade of green you care to call them. And we’re supposed to get a low of 48 this week – could someone please tell me exactly when Chicago turned into Alaska? No wait, scratch that – I’ve read that Alaska is having unusually warm and balmy weather this summer.

Next time, I will report back on more tomatoes, hopefully ripening by then! Or perhaps I will elaborate on my Jungle of Black Death, and pass along advice on what some of these diseases are and how to slow them down. In the meantime, I must ponder how to deal with the SEDBAGs, especially since Idiot Dad has taken to encouraging his children to stomp and run around and flail about in the tomato patch. Not sure what the point of that is, other than to be malicious. I guess I deserve it for having the sheer and utter GALL to be upset that they pulled out all my cucumbers. The nerve of me! I’m just glad that Idiot Dad is teaching his children to have total disregard for other people’s things, especially when you don’t like them for completely inexplicable reasons. Hmm, methinks that those fishheads and fish guts I brought home after a day of fishing yesterday would work MIGHTY well as fertilizer…..right under their windows……