You Grow Girl™

I'm all scrambled up about what's been happening in the last week. I'm not messed up about what I think or what I feel. I know what I think and what I feel. I've got very specific viewpoints and opinions. My confusion lies in what I should or shouldn't say within the context of this journal about the events of the last week.

I mean, my garden and I don't exist in a vacuum. Real life has an effect on me and my interaction with my plants. I haven't shied away from discussing non-plant related matters in the past. Yet I've been avoiding this journal for the last week so as to avoid approaching this topic.

I believe in the notion that the personal is political. We are all political whether we want to admit to that or not. Everything I do, every decision I make, every word that comes out of my mouth is a political act in some insignificant or immense way. I know that may seem like an extreme thing to say, but I believe in it.

Having said that, it seems foolish to avoid expressing my feelings and opinions on such a major event. Yet, I do hold back in this journal. I rarely even scratch the surface to reveal the extremes of my real life. Somehow I feel that saying too much about last week is crossing a line I'm not ready to cross.

All I want to say is that I'm horrified by what is happening around me. And yet I'm not surprised. What is done is done. No one can get back what they lost last week (loved ones, a sense of safety, innocence, whatever). But what we can get is a real sense of compassion and humanity. Something I rarely see in people. Instead I see politeness confused for compassion. It bothers me.

But I don't see even that lately. Instead I see and hear people erupting in rage and anger and hate. I've heard some fucked up things lately. Really fucked up scary shit from the mouths of people who normally would be polite on the surface and wait until they knew they were in like-minded company before muttering hateful words under their breath. People who think they are compassionate and loving, but what they actually mean is only towards people who look and think and act just like them.

Maybe I need to get out more. I'm willing to admit that I could be wrong. I haven't even left this neighbourhood since Saturday so what the hell do I know. I'm sure there are lots of people reaching out to one another right now. I'm just not sure that those feelings are being extended to everyone.

The other day on television I saw many thousands of Canadians standing on Parliament Hill crying out of remorse for their American brethren and out of a sense of fear, vulnerability and confusion. I also saw a mosque in my hometown that had been set on fire, a news cast about a man had been murdered because he wore a turban, and countless other horrible acts of violence.

I remember Desert Storm very clearly. I remember the racism and hate that surfaced during that time. That kind of shit has been sitting on the surface waiting to erupt and now it's back. It freaks me out and it makes me sick.

Ugh. It ends there. I'm at a loss for words. This is probably the most incoherent entry to date. Like I said, it's not really that I have nothing to say, it's that I don't know where to draw the line. You've probably heard the same sentiments spoken over and over again on countless other journals. I have. I'm not sure it's worth it for me to add to that.

I'm going to go make a mixed tape now... and maybe water a few plants.

Last year at this time: I like my special tools.

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