You Grow Girl™

Deer, no matter how peaceful and cute they look to the innocent bystander, are plant murderers plain and simple. Now I know what most gardeners are thinking right about now: "What about slugs? I thought slugs were the worst thing to have in a garden?" That is true to a point. Slugs munch on our beloved plants, leave slimy trails that goo everything up, and have the ickiest green blood you've ever see. But you can step on slugs, or better yet toss them across the street. You can't toss a deer. They're just way too heavy.

I woke up this morning to admire my new hens and chicks, as well as the brightly colored Mexican Bush Sage, which I recently planted outside by the birdbath. My beautiful garden was now a wildlife crime scene with munched stems where the regal blossoms of the Mexican Bush Sage should have been. And my beautiful hens and chicks were trampled to smithereens with the guilty animal's hoof print right smack dab in the middle of the ruined plant. Now either the hoof print belongs to Satan, or to one of the many deer that turn my meager garden into a Bambi Buffet every night. I'm debating whether or not it's both.

I did what I could to save the rest of the scattered hens and chicks and repotted them. They are now safe inside, where they will remain protected unless the deer learn how to pick locks (which I imagine is only a matter of time.)

Sharon, one of my buddies who frequents the Silo (the name we've bestowed this house in the mountains) mentioned to me that the deer did live here before all these glamorous California homes were built. She has a point. But we are surrounded by wild plants that the deer love to eat already. There's no shortage of food for any of these hungry critters. There's a multitude of acorns, little trees, shrubs as far as their beady eyes can see and acres upon acres of wild flowers. So what makes my garden the forest hot spot of deer eateries? Is my garden a trendy nightclub for deer everywhere? Is it the place to eat bizarre succulents and apparently not-so-deer-proof plants, or is it just the place deer go to be seen? I just don't get it.

My mom suggested a variety of deer repellant options. Apparently coyote pee drives deer away because they think a ravage pack of coyotes run the place. But what if another coyote smells the urine? Does that mean instead of deer I'll have wild coyotes stepping all over my flowers? Plus where does one obtain coyote pee? Do I have to sneak up behind one and shove a bottle underneath just so? I doubt it would be similar to milking a cow. Needless to say, I don't feel like trying to harvest that specialty crop from a coyote. My other housemate Steve has eagerly offered to relieve himself on my flowers if need be. But I have a feeling human urine doesn't keep the deer away, just the gardener.

If any of you out there have deer-proofing ideas, by all means email me before they eat the place down. And keep in mind these are Northern California deer, which means they will, and do, eat everything in sight. The only plants they don't touch at this house are the rosemary and the Bird of Paradise flowers. Go figure.

To cheer myself up I went to ebay.com and spent a bunch of money I shouldn't have on various succulent plant books and a book by Robin Chotzinoff called People With Dirty Hands: The Passion for Gardening. You can read an excerpt from Amazon here. The book features stories and interviews with eccentric people who have a serious obsession with their plants. The best story is about the Texas Rose Rustlers who find old roses growing in the oddest places (like graveyards), propagate them and then sell the flowers to people who aren't interested in raising genetically-altered blossoms. There's also a great interview with a man who farms ladybugs. I'll be sure to review the book for this site soon.

I also bought my first plant on eBay. It's a Lithops Werneri Living Rock plant. I got it for a total of $6, and it's so cute. Weird, but cute. I repotted it in some cactus mix in a small terra cotta pot and sat it in the sunny windowsill. Hopefully he'll be happy, even with the deer peering at him through the window.

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