Let’s Make Tiny Vaginas, Each One Beautiful & Unique

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And make our own edible version of Judy Chicago’s Dinner Party!

There has been a long and harried internal debate raging in my brain for days over that title. I have avoided making this post, worried that I will offend people by using the anatomically correct word for part of the female anatomy on a website about gardening. NO! The Horror! Because flowers and gardens and pollination and the like has nothing to do with sex at all.

I asked myself questions like, “Do I pull an Oprah and use the hideous colloquialism “vajay-jays” for those who think the word vagina is inappropriate?”

Both penis and vagina within the span of a month? What next, Gayla? What horrible word will you assault us with next?

Monsanto.

So then I thought,” Really, if I’m going to use appropriate anatomical terms I should have said “labias” or “vulva”, right?” I eventually decided against it because I figure some will find those words more offensive than vaginas and 70′s era feminist art.

Now that I’ve got that out of the way, let’s talk about making what are really just oven dried plums.

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As soon as tomatoes come into season I begin making batches of oven dried tomatoes. I’d love to make real sun-dried tomatoes and skip the energy consumption, however the climate here is far too humid (and this season is especially too wet) to properly dry tomatoes the natural way. If you have never made oven-dried tomatoes you must do it. They are so much better than store bought sun-dried tomatoes which are often laden with sulphite preservatives. My recipe for making them is in my next book so I can’t repeat it here.

My first tomato batch of the season fell a bit short of filling up the oven so I looked around to see if there was anything else on hand that could benefit from an afternoon in the oven. Plums! Yes, dried plums are really just prunes, and while I can’t remember the last time I ate a prune (if ever), I am absolutely certain these are a whole lot better.

I used Italian purple plums but I’m sure just about any will work.

To make them simply turn your oven to the lowest heat and line a baking sheet with a silpat or parchment paper (this step is important since they drip sugars and can stick).

Cut the plums in half and remove the pit.

Sprinkle or coat the plums with sugar if you like. This is not necessary if you want to keep it low-sugar since the heating process concentrates the plums’ own natural sugars.

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Lay each half, cut side up on the baking sheet.

Set in the oven for several hours. Drying time depends on the wetness/ripeness of the plums you use so check back after the first 2 hours to determine the drying rate and go from there.

Once cool, store the dried plums in freezer bags or reusable freezer safe containers.

Save a few for eating right away but try not to eat too many at once. I think you know why.

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Giant Cape Gooseberry (Physalis peruviana L)

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I can’t say with absolute certainty that this is what I am growing since the plant was given to me by someone way back in the spring, and she was unsure of the origin. All we know is that the plant is much larger and taller than the smaller ground cherries (I believe these are Physalis pruinosa) that are popular at farmers’ markets in this region. I have grown that plant in the past, and they tend to grow along the ground (hence the name), while the type I am growing has big leaves, big fruit, and a tall growth habit.

I’m growing the giant cape gooseberry plant on the roof in a very large, metal garbage can. It’s not a great year for tropical sun lover’s; however, the added heat from the metal and good drainage is doing wonders for it and there should be some ripe fruit soon if the warm weather keeps up.

If you’ve never tasted cape gooseberries or ground cherries I urge you to do so. They have a surprising citrus tang with a hint of pineapple. So amazingly tropical yet they will thrive in this climate and even self-seed into just about anywhere with an inch of soil. I’ve found plants coming up in sidewalk cracks and the part of my roof that is just a thin layer of gravel on top of tar paper.

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Planty Things I Saw in Montreal

I am terribly behind. We took a short leisure trip to Montreal about a month ago, I took pictures with the full intention of posting about it, but then I didn’t. But now I am. I’m gonna do it. I’m gonna do it and then I’m gonna hit publish rather than starting it and then letting it sit in the drafts folder.

This is just a short examination of little plantish things I discovered while wandering around town. They’re all taken with my convenient pocket-sized “documenting camera”, which are just nice words for “piece of crap” so please bear with the poor quality. I took other pictures too, but will post those separately. Or something will come up and I’ll never get around to it and it will be like we never had this conversation.

Here we go:

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They have nicer planter boxes than we do here in Toronto. I found this one walking west along Rue Sherbrooke.

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Here it is from another angle highlighting that GIGANTIC taro. That taro eats babies.

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Here’s a close-up.

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As we continued walking west, we came upon Montreal’s version of the flora clock in front of the Westmount City Hall. Say what you will about the cheese but that is some hardcore landscaping.

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And close-up. Obsessive compulsive weeding or herbicides? Ummmm…

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And continuing on our epic journey westward, this sign, which in all honesty isn’t that exciting except that it is in French.

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First sighting of my new favourite botanically inclined graffiti, Green Thumb. Until this moment, my running favourite was the PESTO tags that showed up around my neighbourhood years back.

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Just when I thought I might die of heat and thirst (we arrived at the start of a heat wave) we entered the village of Westmount where I discovered a delicious ice creamery/gelato bar called Bilboquet that served a dizzying array of flavours. I had cassis. Davin had rum raisin.

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We finally arrived at our destination and guess who was waiting for us…

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The next day we went to the Atwater Market. Tons of begonias… meh. But look at that artichoke/cardoon (not sure) and kale! It’s been a killer year for kale, non?

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It’s not really planty, but if you saw how much canning I am doing this year… In fact, a batch of pears are processing in the canner as I write this. My apartment is growing close to resembling this market stall, minus the nice shelf display and charm.

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This place made me very happy.

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It’s at the corner of Parc and Bernard if you’d like to go see it in person. Stop by the Drawn & Quarterly store while you’re there. Caffe in Gamba makes really good coffee if you are as picky about espresso-based coffee beverages as I am. Which is to say, A-1 snob. They have pretty good taste in music too.

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I like this planter more than the planting itself, but really, it’s a street planter, what can you expect. The fact that it is so well kept and respected is a marvel in itself.

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We managed to make it to the Jean Talon Market just a few hours before departure time.

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Everyone said it and I do agree that it is the superior market. Atwater is more expensive and sanitized, while the Jean Talon is the sort of place I would enjoy doing my shopping. In fact, I DID enjoy shopping there. You’d be surprised what I will bring home when I don’t have to worry about customs regulations and airport security. I think Davin might have been most resentful about lugging home that big bag of crab apples. In all fairness it was worth it since they were/are the nicest crab apples I have seen all summer. Absolutely perfect with hardly any pitting or bruising.

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I love this sign. For eating and for planting.

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I grow my own yet (a month later) I still regret not bringing some of these home. I wish farmers at my local market would sell zucchini with the flowers still on. They’re just so pleasing to the eye like this. And the flowers are absolutely delicious in their own right. Don’t forget to eat your flowers! They’re the best reason for growing your own zucchini.

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Last, but not least, a very resilient (and dangerous) corn stalk I found growing in an alley.

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Innocence Lost

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Remember a few months back when I said something like, “Let’s stop using war mongering language against the critters?”

I can’t locate it on the site, but I know I said it. Somewhere. To someone. Was it you?

That was a kinder, gentler, more innocent me. That was me during the off-season when my thoughts are turned to planning new and fun gardening experiments and I’ve forgotten all about how maddening it is to discover a half eaten tomato laying on the roof like a cruel taunt.

Hey human, I took your precious tomato and I only ate half! Here’s the rest, all germy and covered in raccoon and/or squirrel saliva.

That was the me that existed before today when I walked out onto the roof garden to discover bits of the best ‘Black Seaman’ tomato of the bunch that I had been eye-balling with anticipation laying on the railing.

The raccoons and squirrels are out of control this year. They are taking far more than their fair share of the bounty and leaving almost none for me. Jerk faced jerks.

Everything is too much this year. There is too much rain and too much cold; too many wasps and aphids. But there are not enough tomatoes and the fruit I am getting are being poached while I sleep. Yesterday, my neighbour helpfully suggested that I hire Dick Cheney to come by each night and watch over the crop until morning.

Come winter I will look back on the positives of this gardening season and write lovingly about the discoveries that were made and the opportunity for experimentation this odd weather brought about. But until then I want a do over.

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Dangerous Alley Corn

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I came across this rogue cornstalk about a month ago while biking down a Montreal alley. It was growing right in front of the gate, which means no one is coming out alive! Well, at least through this exit anyway.

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